07 January 2007

Special Edition: The Anti-'Blog

Ladles and Gentrified, I present to you a special installment of Odin's Aviary(r), now with more fibrous additives! A friend of mine is a bit opposed to 'blogs, and uses a brilliantly written bit of dramaturgy to illustrate the extent of his/her/its hatred (names and pronouns have been changed to protect the innocent, and because I like making up names):

I could never love a man with a blog...:

(Jo comes home after a long day of headstand prep. She sees Reginald at the computer.)

Jo: Hey sweetie, I'm home! What's that you're--

(At the sound of Jo's approach, Reginald quickly slams closed his laptop.)

Reg: Huh? Oh. Nothing. I missed you.

(He goes to kiss her but she dodges and gets the laptop.)

Jo: OH--were you looking at porn?! Hee Hee Hee! (She opens laptop and stares. Beat.) You. You were...blogging? You. You have a blog?

Reg: I--I can explain. Just let me expla--

Jo: How could you do this to me?! You know how I feel about this sort of thing!

Reg: Josephine: it's just a blog, for God's sake.

Jo: First a blog, and then what? Your own SITE?! (Reginald looks to the ground.) Oh my God...

Reg: It's for my career! It's completely valid! This is the way the industry is moving! Why are you being like this?

Jo: I just can't share you like this! I'm an only child! I--I-- (She turns to him.) You have to choose.

Reg: Between you and my blog?

Jo: Yes.

Reg: You can't be serious. (She glares at him.) Uh. O--Okay. You. Just. Just let me finish this entry--I'll make it the sign off entry. (Reginald goes to his computer and sits down. Jo watches, and then begins to gather her things.) Where are you going?

Jo: You've made your choice.

Reg: Josephine, Jo, it's just--

Jo: --I'm sure you and your three loyal readers will be very happy together! I'm leaving.

Reg: Because of this?

Jo: Yes.

Reg: But Jo--

(He goes to hold her; she pushes him away.)

Jo: (on the verge of tears) Don't touch me! (She stares at him as all emotion drains from her face. She is blank.) I don't even know you.

(She leaves. Reginald stands alone. As the lights fade to black, the only illumination on stage is Reginald's computer glowing in the dark, until that blinks off as well.)



foucalt said...

I concur with the blogger: pics of hot girls doing handstandy-things in skirts is exactly what this blog needs.

Jeff Wills said...

Aw. You've got me all Bartles&James'in here. The killer is, the pic is a friend of a friend, but I can't for the life of me remember her name, otherwise I would have credited her.

foucalt said...

don't mean to go all technical on yo' ass, but the mel2.gif filename doesn't give it away as probably Melanie?

Jeff Wills said...

Would that it did, my friend. Would that it did. The friend I got it from is Melissa, and it came as a part of several pics she emailed me. Hence, mel1, mel2, mel3, etc.

Word? Word.